The X-Project

Xavier excises the ghost images from Jean-Paul's memories; after, the two discuss the status of his mental blocks and overall progress.



The past weeks of coming to Xavier for his mental check-ups had done a bit to erode the automatic distrust of authority that had put Jean-Paul at an almost unconscious unease with the man prior to his abduction. It had, unfortunately, not done much to get him over his newfound fear of any telepathic presence that was not Nathan's, but at least that was something he was acutely aware of and could work to consciously control.

As he approached his employer's office, he was less wary and simply curious as to why he'd been summoned. His next session wasn't for several days yet and he couldn't think of anything he'd done that would merit a conference with the Professor himself. He knocked on the door, announcing himself more from respect than necessity, and opened the door.

"You wished to see me?"

"Yes. Come in, Jean-Paul, please," Charles said, his smile restrained but warm. His eyes were very intent on Jean-Paul's face, however -intent and assessing. "How are you feeling this week?"

"Much the same as last week," Jean-Paul confessed, taking his usual seat. Of course there was tea, but that was fine. As much as he preferred herbals, he sincerely needed the caffeine these days. "I can almost completely ignore the false memories when I am awake. It is still much more difficult when I am with Jeanne-Marie, but I think that is simply because we have so much of a past and I have not seen her for so long. That is bound to make things more...intense." He
frowned and moved to pour for both of them so as to distract himself. "I have not been sleeping much."

"You've had a great deal of additional stress this last week or so," Charles conceded gently, smiling and accepting the cup of tea as Jean-Paul offered it to him. His expression grew more serious as he sipped at it, still regarding Jean-Paul steadily. "Which is why I wondered if this was indeed the right time for this conversation, but then, the idea of leaving you with those false memories any longer than necessary does not sit well with me."

A tangle of hope and trepidation fluttered under Jean-Paul's ribs.

"You think it is safe to remove them now?"

"I believe, if you feel up to it, it is now feasible, yes," Charles said, looking grave. "It won't be pleasant. I can do my best to minimize the discomfort involved, but I can't prevent it entirely. And justifiably, you're still uncomfortable with telepathic contact. I want you to think very hard about whether or not you are indeed ready to go through this process."

Jean-Paul did at least give the request a moment of thought, but he did not see where taking his leave and going off to pretend and think it over longer would change his answer. "I appreciate your honesty, Charles, but those things...they do not mean so much to me right now. If removing these falsehoods hurts, if having you in my head makes my blood go to water, it is still all nothing if it means I do not flinch from my sister if she comes upon me unawares, or that I can sleep the whole night through without Nathan's help..." Or if he did not ever have to remember himself killing his friends and students again. "I am ready whenever you are."

Charles gazed at him for a moment longer, as if assessing the level of his conviction, then nodded, setting his teacup back down. "It is liable to be a quite protracted process," he said. "I'm loathe to suggest the infirmary as a suggestion, as much as it may make sense; the associations it could raise are to be avoided, I believe."

"I appreciate the thought." A slight smile, drawn out more by nerves than actual humor. "Should I make myself comfortable on the couch, then?" Another thought, and the smile faded. "I can also get Jeanne-Marie to cancel out my powers, if you think I might react badly during."

"I can make sure that doesn't happen. But please, yes. Make yourself comfortable."

=====

By the end of the session, the stars had come out and Jean-Paul was sitting on the far end of the couch, pale, dry-mouthed and shaking, skin stretched taut over his knuckles where he kept a death grip on the arm of the couch.

"Done, then?" he rasped, trying to focus on the world outside of his head.

"Done," Charles said gently. His presence brushed once more over Jean-Paul's mind, very gently dulling the headache. "There's some water on the side table. You might do well with a glass."

A good idea, considering that it was an effort just to generate enough spit to swallow. Just...not yet.

"In a moment. When do we get started on the rest of it?"

"... the rest." Charles actually looked puzzled. He was clearly weary himself, if less so than Jean-Paul, and it took him a visible moment to make the connection. "You don't mean - oh, no, Jean-Paul. Today is not a day for removing those memory blocks."

"How soon can we get started?" Jean-Paul rose to his feet carefully, not releasing the couch until he was sure his legs were stable. "I am not under the impression that it will be pleasant, but classes start in a month. I will need to learn to cope with...what I did as soon as possible." He headed for the side table. "Do you want a glass?"

"I think so, thank you." But Charles's expression was pensive as Jean-Paul turned back towards him with the two glasses in hand. "I'm not certain this is an appropriate time to remove those blocks. I saw a great deal while I was in your mind."

"That is hardly a surprise," Jean-Paul ventured cautiously. "What did you see that makes you think this would be a bad idea?" He supposed it was just as well that they had this conversation while he was exhausted. He didn't have the energy to be truly impatient so much as anxious.

"It seems to me that between dealing with the false memories and everything else that has been happening, you are... not as far into the process of working through what happened as you may believe yourself to be. After what happened to bring about the need for the block in the first place, I think it would be best to move slowly. Or at least cautiously," Charles said softly, sounding sad.

"Well. That is disappointing." Jean-Paul retreated behind his glass, concentrating on sips of water for a time, slowly regaining his composure. "I assumed the counseling would be ongoing in either case, but I did not think I was doing particularly badly at it."

"There is no well or badly in a situation like this," Charles said. "You're applying yourself diligently to the counseling sessions. I certainly do not mean to imply otherwise. But the blocks permit you a level of detachment that is somewhat... deceptive."

"I am sorry, but this...it is not making a great deal of sense to me." Jean-Paul spoke slowly, picking his words as if each one represented another step through a field of knives. "I follow that the blocks are allowing me an emotional distance from what I have done, but was that not the purpose? To suspend the weight of my actions until what had been implanted was dealt with?"

"Until you were prepared to deal with your actions; it is an important difference. I implanted the blocks to reduce trauma, while you underwent the therapy necessary after such an ordeal. If I were to remove them prematurely," Charles went on soberly, after a sip at his water, "and the weight of that trauma descended upon you before you were sufficiently healed both psychically and emotionally... all of the work you have done, all of the progress you have made, could be reversed."

Jean-Paul nodded, though there was still a hint of reluctance there. This feeling that he was somehow incomplete, even if that incompleteness was a mercy, was deeply unsettling. He might have insisted on taking his chances under other circumstances, but Jeanne-Marie was here, Nathan was still healing, and Shiro...there was simply too much going on for him to risk falling apart.

"As you say."

"A while longer, Jean-Paul." Charles's voice was almost soothing. "Certainly, it is not a long-term situation. But given the reasons we had for opting for it, not to mention recent... accumulated stresses, I feel it's best to be safe."

"I understand. And I am grateful to have at least this much of my brain my own again." He offered Xavier a weary and mostly genuine smile. "I am not planning on going anywhere anyway, non? I have the time for more counseling."

"I think now, however, is the time to rest," Charles pointed out with a smile of his own. "I can virtually guarantee that your head will feel much better in the morning." He sipped at his water again, his expression turning almost contemplative. "Lighter, too, perhaps."