The X-Project

Scott ventures outside. Well, only as far as the porch. Ororo comes out to keep him company, and the two of them have their first real talk about what happened.


He'd felt much better, after sleeping most of the morning and early afternoon away, and had decided that maybe venturing outside wouldn't be a bad idea. All three redheads had been in unison on the idea that lots of sunlight was a very good thing for him right now, even if they'd been willing to let him out of the greenhouse.

Personally, he was liking the fresh air almost as much. Sitting out on the porch was... good, even in the heat. Possibly because of the heat. It was as far from the damp cold of that missile silo as you could possible get. Scott sighed, slumping a little further into the chair, his mind skittering away from the still-disjointed memories. Avoidance was definitely his friend...

Another friend of his stepped out onto the porch, a tray of iced tea and Lorna's cookies in her hands. "May I join you?" Ororo asked, smiling a bit as she felt the sun on her face.

Scott had twitched somewhat violently at the sound of the door opened, one hand going instinctively to half-shield his eye. He didn't want to put a hole in anything by accident. It occurred to him that maybe he ought to be wearing his glasses, just in case. And his goggles to bed. He imagined there would be nightmares, soon.

Seeing that it was Ororo, though, he told himself to relax and mustered a subdued smile. "Sure. I probably shouldn't be sitting out here brooding."

"I think we budgeted some time in for that, actually, at the last team meeting," Ororo said lightly, setting down the tray on the table between them and taking a seat. "Right after we gave a generous chunk to decompressing after particularly difficult missions, and taking it easy. I think you are well within your bounds still."

"You budgeted me brooding time?" His smile wobbled a little, and he picked up the iced tea, raising the glass to his lips to cover it. "How forward-thinking."

"Not just you. Everyone. You do not get any special treatment in that area."

Ororo was quiet for a moment after that, glancing up once more at the sky. A few gently drifting clouds that had been meandering towards the sun stopped in their path, and then headed away, as if nudged by an invisible finger. "Can I get you anything else? There is more lemon in the kitchen if I did not put enough in the tea."

"No, it's good. I always like your iced tea," Scott said, his voice falling on his last words until it was almost inaudible. He folded his hands around the glass, staring down into it. The ice cubes were shifting around. Shivering in the cup, almost. Scott realized that it was because his hands were shaking.

He looked up at Ororo with a ghost of a smile, and started to say - something, he didn't know what. Helplessly, he gave up on the effort and looked back out at the grounds.

If she could've made the sun shine harder, she would've. Likewise, if she thought she could hug him without making him flinch, she would've. However, since neither of these things were possible, Ororo settled for moving her chair a bit closer to his and dropping her voice. "Scott, I cannot even imagine what you have been through... but I am here for you however you need me. You know you do not need to say anything, but if you wish to talk... I am here."

Scott breathed in, then out on a shaky sigh. His expression was oddly calm, but distracted, too. As if he wasn't quite here. "I think I understand now how you felt, after what Masque did to you," he said, his voice still hushed. "The helplessness."

Despite her quiet composure, the mention of Masque was enough to give Ororo pause. She took a deep breath of her own, then nodded, glancing at Scott sympathetically. "Yes, and you even more so than I." After all, it had only been a few hours that she had been trapped in the sewers - that was nothing compared to the days Scott had been gone. "It is perhaps one of the worst things I have ever felt."

"We were trained to be... capable," Scott said slowly. As if it was hard to sort out the thoughts in his own head. "To be in control of ourselves, so that we could lead others. We're not supposed to be... the v-victims." He stumbled a bit on the word. "I don't think we know how, really."

"We are not supposed to admit there are some things we cannot overcome. If we do, then we can start to question... everything." The last word was quiet as Ororo sat back in her chair, wrapping her arms around herself despite the warmth of the day. "Even when you know help must be coming, there is a part of you that fears it never will."

"I gave up." Scott listened to the words come out of his mouth, and couldn't even feel shame at them. "They... I thought help did come. They made me think that, more than once, but then it would turn out to be them, playing tricks. Or maybe I thought they wanted to help me?" His voice broke, and he set the iced tea aside before he could drop it. His hands were shaking harder. "I was having so much trouble figuring out what was real and what wasn't."

"That is not your fault. I know it does not make you feel any differently, but... you are safe now. Eventually, that will matter more than what they wanted you to believe."

"Oh, 'Ro. I just wish..." He trailed off with a weak laugh. "I don't know what I wish. That I had handled it better?" Scott swallowed, with some difficulty, rubbing at his too-tight throat, as if that would help. He reached out for the iced tea again. A drink would be good. He took a sip before he went on. "You should know. I told them something they wanted to know... I think. I know it couldn't have been everything, because they kept asking, but I said something I shouldn't have, I know I did." His voice was oddly vehement suddenly, angry. At himself.

"Scott," she said, a little more loudly than before. "You are only human. Despite your training, the years of practice and the near-inhuman standard you hold yourself to... there must be a breaking point for everyone. Whatever you have told them we will deal with, if it was something they should not know. It is more important that you are back here and safe... that you made it back."

His shoulders slumped a little more. "It just seemed like it was the most important thing. Not to tell them what they wanted... and I did." He tried to shrug. "Maybe it's pride? I don't know." It seemed insane that he had any semblance of pride left when they'd stripped him from him layer by layer, so precisely.

"If I could have begged, I would have," Ororo admitted softly. "For all that I am proud, and a leader... we are human, Scott. Nothing more or less. And to know that there are others out there who will treat people as they did you... it is a good reminder why we do what we do. And to have been through that..." She sighed, tracing a finger down the dewy side of the glass beside her. "You survived. Some people would not have. If you must seek pride, find it there."

"I don't think I begged. Screamed a lot, yeah, but didn't beg..." It was supposed to be a joke, and it didn't hit him until it came out just how unfunny it actually was, and Scott shrugged again, half-irritably, half-despairingly. "I don't know what to do," he said more softly. "In here-" He tapped one temple, "-is such a mess this week."

"I would suggest sitting out in the rain, but I think the sun would be better for you." 'Ro smiled faintly, taking a sip of tea. "Give it time. And talk. To your therapist. And anyone else you need to."

"I think I'd better stay out of the rain." He gave another weak laugh. "I'm having enough trouble with the shower. Water just-" He stopped, a tremor crossing his face. "Well. It's irrational, I'm sure I'll get over it."

"Oh, Scott." She pressed her lips together, vowing to keep the skies over the mansion sunny until December, global weather patterns be damned. "You are safe here. No matter what else..." Even now the words sounded hollow. "We will always come for you. That I can promise."

"I know. I do." He wished that didn't sound like he was trying to convince himself. Scott took another minute sip of the iced tea. Not thinking about it, not thinking about it... Thinking about it led to spacing out and staring blankly into space, and that seemed to alarm people. For some reason. "Everything feels so fragile," he said after a moment, uncertainly. "Like if I move too fast, the world will just shatter around me and I'll be back there..."

First the world is falling apart, then it is flat, then it is fragile... "You may go as slowly as you need, for as long as you need. School is out, the team is small... it is not that you are not needed, but we will make do. You have as long as you need to remember your place, how you belong here and how you will not have to go back there ever again."

Scott closed his eyes, concentrating for a moment on the feel of the sunlight on his face. "Thank you," he said, almost inaudibly again. "I think I can do this. I just... I don't think I can't do it now."

"I know you can do it, Scott. More than anything, I believe that." Ororo tried to smile again, though it was harder than she would've imagined it to be. "You will succeed."

"I didn't hallucinate you, thinking back..." Scott trailed off, staring at the grounds, but a faint little smile, almost wistful, tugged at his lips. "I did dream about you, though. Puttering in your greenhouse. Really vivid dreams. I could smell the plants, the dirt... feel the spray from that damned overcomplicated sprinkler system Hank rigged up for you..."

"It still works after all this time," 'Ro said, shaking her head. "Thankfully, because I do not think I could fix it if it went wrong."

"Charles took me there, in my head, while the team was on its way," Scott said somewhat distantly. "The cockpit of the Blackbird, and the greenhouse. I would have thought..." Except his and Jean's suite wasn't really a home, it hadn't had the chance to be yet.

Ororo set down her glass, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees. "Now you are home. And if you want to sit in the Blackbird... I do no think anyone will stop you."

He finally looked back at her, mustering a very weary smile. "I think maybe I'd rather sit in the greenhouse some more. With you? But later," he said softly. "I'm okay here for now, I think."

"This is where you belong," she said, returning the smile. "Home."