Nathan finds Amanda to tell her about his meeting with Pete.



So she wasn't exactly living in the stables any more after that first awful weekend, but she was still tending to gravitate there, avoiding her friends for the large part. Something about being the essential cause of the school being at risk of destruction made her uninclined to be social. At least the horses could keep a secret. She was mucking out the stalls the traditional way with a pitchfork and wheelbarrow, actually enjoying the work, and humming under her breath one of the Romany folk songs Wanda had taught her. Not terribly tunefully, but it helped keep her mind from worrying at the whole situation like someone worries at an injured spot, poking it constantly. Of course, it was like not thinking about the elephant - every time she tried, there it was again. Which was why distraction was good.

Nathan heard her humming and started down the row of stalls until he spotted her rather enthusiastically mucking out. He smiled a bit, leaning on the stall door and watching her. "Hey, you," he said lightly.

"Hey," she said, perhaps not as brightly as he had, but with a brief, teasing smile. "Come down t' see how the workin' classes live?"

"Visiting my favorite peon, or something like that," Nathan teased right back, although his eyes were intent on her. She seemed... well, not good, per se, but perhaps a little less ragged. He left his mind drift out across the stables for a moment, reassuring himself that no one was within earshot. "You know how I was gone last night? I saw Pete."

For a moment it seemed like all the air had gone out of the stables, and Amanda could feel the blood running from her face. Realising she was gripping the pitchfork with a white-knuckled deathgrip, she deliberately made herself set it aside before turning to face Nathan properly. "How... how is he?" she asked, voice remote. Nathan didn't seem to be bruised and battered at all, so perhaps it hadn't come down to violence.

Nathan waited for a moment to answer, pulling the right words together. "I'm not going to say he's doing great," he murmured wryly, a touch of sadness in his voice, "but he's not hurt, he's not drinking himself to death, and as far as I can tell he hasn't had any kind of psychotic break. Which are all good things."

"I suppose they are." Amanda couldn't shake that detached feeling, like she was encased in ice. Keeping herself from falling apart again, she supposed. "He's still gunna do it tho'." It wasn't a question.

Nathan took a deep breath, then let it out. Remy's email had worried him; that particular meeting could go badly. He was tempted to leave a message in one of Pete's accounts and warn him... but no. He'd gone as far as he could already. As badly as he wanted to help Pete, there were too many considerations here.

"I think so," Nathan said simply. "Unless someone else can talk him out of it. I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to telling someone not to go after a person who's hurt their family, Amanda."

She'd hoped... she wasn't sure what she'd hoped. That none of this had happened. "He must hate me," she found herself saying distantly. "Puttin' him in this position."

Nathan was already shaking his head. "Amanda... if there's one thing I can tell you with absolute certainty, it's that he doesn't hate you," he said, softly but firmly. "He wants..." He trailed off for a moment, changing what he'd been about to say. "One of the things he asked me was to keep an eye on you, make sure you knew that he hadn't 'fucked off without thinking of you'."

That was Pete all right. Amanda took a deep, shuddering breath, her throat constricting. "I can't do this," she said at last. "I want that bastard dead, so much, but if he is that means this whole place is fucked... I don't want that t' happen, but I can't..." She looked up at Nathan, the first tears sliding down her face. "I want him t' do that fucker. I want it t' be over, Nate. An' part of me don't care what that costs."

Nathan didn't reach out to her, much as he wanted to. He didn't want to fracture the last of her composure if she was determined to hold onto it. "I won't lie to you," he said, very quietly. "It's entirely possible that if Pete does this, the school will wind up in serious trouble. We're going to do what we can to try and make sure that doesn't happen. Just like we do our best to try and make sure we're ready in case Magneto shows up on the doorstep, or Mistra stops by." He took a deep breath. "It's a different kind of threat," he said forthrightly, "and a more difficult one to fight, but that doesn't mean we're going to not fight it, if it comes to that."

"'It'? Fight Pete, don't you mean?" Amanda took refuge in anger, knowing she'd collapse into hysterics if she didn't find something else to drive her. Everything, everyone, was slipping away from her, and she couldn't figure out how to hold on, so she pushed them further away instead. Better to get the pain over and done with now than drag it out. "You an' the leather brigade, that's what you'll do, right? Protect that bastard, even if it means goin' up against Pete t' do it."

"It might mean fighting Pete, yes," Nathan said calmly. "Or fighting the rest of the Hellfire Club afterwards, if Pete's successful. Although I can tell you that I won't be in on any attempt to protect Alphonso, Amanda, no matter what."

"You promise?" she asked, and there was something desperate in her tone. She had to keep something of her family, at least. Angelo would stand by her, of course, but she couldn't tell him what was going on. Not without him joining Pete, or worse still, going out on his own. "Promise me, Nate, you won't help that cunt. Not after what he did."

"I swear," he said, quietly but fiercely, holding her eyes without blinking. "I'll do what I have to do after the fact if the rest of the Hellfire Club comes after us, Amanda... and by that I mean all that I can do, but what is, is." He took a deep breath. "Pete's doing what he feels he has to do. I'll be thrilled if someone can talk him out of it, or at least convince him to wait and do it more subtly, but that someone is not me. Like I said, I don't have any moral ground to stand on."

Amanda nodded jerkily, and then somehow she crossed the space between them without consciously moving, because she found herself clinging to the front of his jacket, shoulders shaking with the effort of holding in the reaction. She hadn't lost Nate, he'd stand by her... she hung onto that thought with everything she had. "Thank you," she managed to say, before the tears, held back by sheer force of will, finally broke through.

He wrapped her arms around her tightly. "No one's even asked me, you know," he whispered. "You don't generally get someone to play bodyguard for a person they've almost killed in the past few months. And I came very close to heading to New York and going after both him and Selene, after what happened to you and Manuel." He sighed a bit raggedly. "And if I fought Pete... well, you remember August, Amanda."

"Why d'you think I'm so scared?" Amanda managed to reply, muffled by sobs and the fact she'd buried her face in his chest. "I remember that, an' I couldn't stand t' lose both of you. An' I would, if it came t' that. No matter who won." The feeling of hopelessness was crashing through again, and she couldn't stop it, couldn't do anything. "I wish I'd never come here, Nate. At least then maybe Pete'd still be here, an' his dad wouldn't've died... It just keeps happenin', again an' again, an' people I care about are gettin' hurt an' I just want it t' stop..." Words failed her, overtaken by the sobs she couldn't hold back.

"Listen to me." He kept his voice low, soothing and steady, and didn't let go of her. "You remember how upset you were at how I was beating myself up for what happened at Columbia? That never would have happened if I hadn't been here, or there. But you were one of the loudest voices telling me that it wasn't my fault."

It was true. She had said that. But it was different when it was yourself... Maybe not that much, 'though. "Remy said somethin' similar, that I was blamin' meself for Manuel not bein' a monster..." She didn't sound convinced, but at least she was thinking about it. "I know it's that prick's fault, but if I hadn't crossed him, if we hadn't gone t' that place in November... It's not fair, Nate. I just want us t' be happy, an' every time, there's somethin'..."

"If you're not at fault for Manuel not being a monster," Nathan pointed out quietly, "how can you be at fault because his father is?"

"Because I brought all this down on us. Made meself a target, 'cause I was stupid an' stubborn an'..." She choked on the last part. "In love. Fuck it, Nate, I just want t' be normal, y'know? Go t' school, have a boyfriend, family... only I can't, can I? Trouble magnet, that's me. An' I'm bloody well sick of it. Not just for me, but 'cause it fucks up those around me. Christ, if it wasn't for the fact it'd do more harm than good, I'd have the X geezer take out this link an' go back home t' Rom an' stop bringin' all this trouble down on everyone."

"You don't have the option of being normal, any more than I did." Nathan knew it wasn't comforting, but knew that platitudes wouldn't help the situation either. "And all of this is stemming not from your choices, but Alphonso's and Selene's." He shook his head slowly, still holding her. "I can't make you believe that," he whispered, "but I can keep reminding you of that."

"I know." It came out as a whimper, and could have referred to any of what he'd said. "So tired, Nate. Tired of keepin' secrets, an' worryin' 'bout what's gunna happen. Tired of all this. I just want it t' go away for a while." She'd been good on that front - hadn't touched a drop of booze, or a single mystical object, even 'though she'd wanted to. The promise she'd made to Pete to take care of herself was what she'd been clinging to. She'd promised him, and she would keep that promise.

"Have you been sleeping?" he asked gently.

"Not well. I've been tryin', but there's dreams. An' Manuel can't..." She hiccuped. "I can't let him see what's in me head, an' he does sometimes, when I'm asleep. The link leaks."

"I can help," he said softly. "If you want. Charles says I have a definite talent for sleep assistance."

"Please?" she asked, finally looking up at him. She was a mess, eyes red-rimmed and face puffy and tear stained. "I need a break, Nate, just for a while. Happy thoughts that aren't fake."

Leaving her arm around her, he led her out of the stall and down towards the doors. "You go shower when we get in," he said quietly. "I'll make up the couch for you. Then you can spend the rest of the night dreaming about whatever you want." He smiled a little. "I'm open to any and all requests."

She smiled weakly. "Won't embarrass you with the naughty ones," she joked lamely, leaning against him and letting him take some of her weight. The tiredness was bone-deep, more than just the emotional exhaustion. "How 'bout that last night in New Mexico? With the stars?"

"I think I can manage that," Nathan said, smiling again. "I do have a pretty clear memory of it and all. Imagine something like that sticking with me...."

"Funny that," she agreed, closing her eyes briefly as she rested her head against his side. "I wanted t' be grown-up 'bout this," she murmured sadly. "Guess I screwed that up too."

"Even us grownups need to lean when all hell breaks loose, you know," Nathan told her firmly.